He Never Counted
by Crimson stars and Silent stars
Summary: He never counted. He did not have the right to honor them in his memory. A murderer has no right. They died the innocent and he lived, the tainted. That is what he told himself. They did not want him. He had no place. Hatred was all he deserved. A vignette/poem about the guilt the Doctor endures regarding the murder of the children of Gallifrey.
1. Chapter 1

Hello! This is the first chapter of six. I will be posting a new chapter every day. I am quite new at this so I would love any feedback you have for me. Please keep it civil and enjoy the story! R&R!

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He never counted. How could he, it was all so fresh. To count them would reduce them to a statistic.

That is what he told himself.

He couldn't let them fade. He couldn't let that burning guilt in his stomach ever subside, because he deserved it.

That's what he told himself.

He got close sometimes. Maybe reducing them to a statistic would be better. Maybe he just wanted the hurt to stop. He got so close. "Maybe", he said. "Maybe, it would just be easier."

That is what he said when the Dalek came back. That is what he said as he heard the metal thing tell him: "You would make a good Dalek."

But he never counted. He never counted for the Dalek.


	2. Chapter 2

He never counted. That would be to admit it. To count would make it real. To count would make it solid. That is what he told himself.

He couldn't let anyone know and somehow they would. He had to stay clean. That is what he told himself.

But sometimes he wanted to. Maybe admitting it would make it better. Maybe he just wanted everyone to know. Then maybe someone could judge him.

He got so close. "Maybe", he said. "Maybe I just want it to stop" That is what he said as he burned up the sun. That is what he said as Rose vanished from his life.

But he never counted. He never counted for the Dalek. He never counted for Rose.


	3. Chapter 3

Hello, people of the Earth! Here is the third chapter. I will upload the fourth tomorrow. As always, I would love any feedback! Enjoy!

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He never counted. He did not have the right to honor them in his memory. A murderer has no right. They died the innocent and he lived, the tainted. That is what he told himself.

They did not want him. He had no place. Hatred was all he deserved. That is what he told himself.

But sometimes he desired it. Maybe his memory was all that could preserve them. Maybe they needed to be honored. Then maybe he could be forgiven.

He got so close. "Maybe", he said. "Maybe they will forgive me." That is what he said as Nurse Redfern looked into his eyes. That is what he said when she asked: "Would anyone here have died?"

But he never counted. He never counted for the Dalek. He never counted for Rose. He never counted for the people who should not have died.


	4. Chapter 4

Bonjour again! Chapter 4 is up. The next chapter will be up tomorrow. As always, I would appreciate any feedback! I hope you enjoy!

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He never counted. It hurt too much. To count them would call every one of them back into his memory. Every one of them into vivid detail. That is what he told himself.

He wanted to remember them as they were before, shining and beautiful. To count would condemn them to darkness. That is what he told himself.

But sometimes he thought it best. Maybe he should stop holding them in the light. Maybe remembering them as they last were was better. Then maybe, they would stop hurting him.

He got so close. "Maybe", he said. "Maybe I just want to forget".

That is what he said as did it again. That is what he said as he watched the people of Pompeii burn.

But he never counted. He never counted for the Dalek. He never counted for Rose. He never counted for the people who should not have died. He never counted for the burning world.


	5. Chapter 5

Hello fellow homo sapiens! This is the penultimate chapter. Only one more to go! As always, I appreciate any feedback. Enjoy!

He never counted. The number would haunt him forever. He had already lost so much he cared about, he didn't need to add them to the pile. That is what he told himself.

He could keep them and his guilt at arm's length if he just didn't count. It wouldn't change what he did. That is what he told himself.

But sometimes it would just be easy. Maybe the number would let him accept it. Maybe he needed to embrace his guilt. Then maybe he could be at peace. He got so very close. "Maybe", he said. "Maybe counting would make a difference."

That is what he said as he wrapped his fingers around her head. That is what he said as he drain every happy memory of them from his best friends mind.

But he never counted. He never counted for the Dalek. He never counted for Rose. He never counted for the people who should not have died. He never counted for the burning world. He never counted for the best friend who died.


	6. Chapter 6

**The end has come. I really hope you enjoyed reading this story. It was very enjoyable to write and I appreciate being able to share my work with you! I would love any feedback and have fun with the last chapter.**

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He never counted. How could he reduce them to nothing but a statistic? How could he admit it? How could he honor the innocent? How could he let them live in his memory? How could he let them haunt him? That is what he asked himself.

Did he want to let them to fade? Did he want to make it real? Did he want to honor them? Did he want to remember? That is what he asked himself.

Maybe he shouldn't be hiding. Maybe they deserved his honour. But, maybe he doesn't deserve to give it.

"Maybe", he said. "Maybe It is my duty to honor them. For I am all that remains who can remember."

That is what he said as he heard the shot fire. That is what he said as Adelaide Brooke murdered herself to stop him.

And he did.

The end was coming. He could felt it as it crept up behind him. And so he counted. He counted for the Dalek.

He counted for Rose.

He counted for the people who should not have died.

He counted for the burning world.

He counted for the best friend who died.

And he counted for the innocent. The sole person who had stood against the vengeful god. He vowed to himself that he would never forget.

2.47 000 000 000. That was how many children there were on Gallifrey that day.


End file.
